4 Ways to Build Real Connection (Even When Anxious)

Read time: 8 minutes

Objectives 🎯

• Learn how to shift attention from internal anxiety to external connection.
• Discover four science-backed social skills that build on each other.
• Develop confidence step-by-step by starting small and growing through practice.

You don’t have to ‘put yourself out there’ if you have social anxiety. 

I spent over 10 years treating social anxiety and I’ve seen this advice repeatedly backfire, leaving people more anxious and isolated.

In my last lesson, you learned that social anxiety isn't about being "bad at people" – it's about caring deeply about connection. Now it's time to put that understanding into practice by learning how to view the bigger picture instead of staying stuck in your anxiety's narrow focus.

If you're reading this, I know building meaningful relationships matters to you. That's a value worth pursuing, even if anxiety comes along for the ride. These four science-backed skills will help you get out of your head and develop real connection. Think of them as power-ups—tools that don't make the game easy but help you navigate challenges more effectively.

True Story 📖 

Manhattan, New York, 2017

When Sammy first walked into my office, he could barely speak. 

He recently graduated college with great grades but felt like a failure at people. His mind raced with things to say, but the words wouldn't come out. In social situations, it would take him 45-60 seconds to respond to simple questions – an eternity in conversation time. Most people had already moved on, talking over him or assuming he wasn't interested. Even ordering coffee became an ordeal, with frustrated baristas often turning to the next customer while Sammy tried to speak.

"I feel like I'm trapped in my own head," he explained during one of our early sessions, each word carefully measured.

"By the time I figure out the perfect response, the moment's gone. Then I beat myself up about it for days."

Sammy had what we call "selective mutism" – his social anxiety was so intense it literally froze his ability to speak. While a few childhood friends who understood his struggle stuck around, making new connections felt impossible. Each awkward interaction reinforced his belief that he was fundamentally broken, unwanted, and unneeded.

Sammy’s parents encouraged him to “just put yourself out there.” He went to a few meetups and events but often froze, avoided eye contact, and never knew what to say. The impression he gave wasn’t who he really was. Instead of connection, he experienced rejection, reinforcing the fear that he was “bad at people.”

But Sammy's story doesn't end there. Through practicing the skills you're about to learn, he transformed from someone who could barely order coffee to a sales professional who spends his days talking to people on the phone. It didn't happen overnight – it started with small victories, like making eye contact with our office manager, then commenting on the weather, until eventually he could navigate entire conversations without freezing.

Here's What I've Seen 👀

I’ve noticed common patterns in how people social anxiety get people stuck:

• Zoning out during conversations because they're focused on their own anxiety
• Missing what others say because they're planning the "perfect" response
• Avoiding eye contact, making others think they're uninterested
• Giving short answers that accidentally shut down connection
• Escaping situations the moment anxiety spikes

But I’ve also seen how learning a few key skills can break these patterns. Whether your anxiety feels more like freezing up, overanalyzing, or avoiding entirely, these skills can help

The key? Stop trying to eliminate anxiety and start redirecting your attention toward authentic connection.

Here's What We Know 🧠

Through studying the science of social anxiety and my own experience living with it (see lesson 1 for more on that) and treating it, I've discovered three crucial insights:

1. Your attention is like a spotlight – social anxiety keeps it focused inward on internal experiences (racing heart, sweating, worry) instead of outward on connection.
2. Trying to "calm down" or "act normal" backfires because it keeps your spotlight pointed in the wrong direction – you're still focused internally when you need to be focused externally.
3. You don't need to feel confident to build connection. You just need to redirect your spotlight toward what's happening around you.

Think About It Like This 💡

Imagine playing Mario Kart when ink splatters across your screen (a move my kids love to use against me). If you focus on the ink, you'll crash. But if you shift your attention to what you *can* see – even just small glimpses of the track – you can keep racing.

Social anxiety is like that ink. It blocks your view and makes everything feel harder. But with practice, you can learn to steer through the splatter.

In Mario Kart, different power-ups help you handle different challenges. Sometimes you need a mushroom for speed, sometimes you need a banana to block an attack. The four skills you're about to learn work the same way – each one helps you handle a different social challenge, and they become more powerful when used together.

These skills won't make anxiety disappear completely. But they'll give you tools to stay on track even when things get messy. Just like in Mario Kart, you don't need a perfectly clear screen to keep moving forward.

Skill 1: The "Nose Trick" 👃

Getting stuck in your head often starts with avoiding eye contact. This makes sense. Research shows that people with social anxiety process faces differently than others (more on that in my last lesson). Your brain's threat detection system (the amygdala) becomes overactive when looking at faces, seeing potential judgment or rejection even in neutral expressions.

But humans are actually wired for face to face connection. We have a special part of our brain called the fusiform gyrus that's dedicated to understanding faces. Your fusiform gyrus is like a shortcut built into every Mario Kart track. It helps you navigate social interaction with ease, letting you recognize faces and connect emotionally.

But when anxiety gets in the way, and you don’t look at someone’s face, it’s like that shortcut is blocked. You're forced to take the long way around, making eye contact feel exhausting and overwhelming, and reducing the chances of ever making a connection. 

The solution? Look at the bridge of someone's nose. This creates the appearance of eye contact while reducing the intensity that triggers your threat detection system. Think of it as your first power-up - it lets you engage your natural social connection abilities without overwhelming your anxiety alarm system.

"This was a game-changer for me," Sammy shared. "I started practicing during our therapy sessions, then with the office staff. It felt weird at first, but people started responding differently - like they could finally see me."

Steps to Practice:

1. Choose a spot near the eyes (bridge of nose, forehead, or eyebrows)
2. Start in low-pressure situations (cashiers, delivery people)
3. Notice how others respond differently when you appear engaged

This skill forms the foundation for everything else we'll learn. By managing eye contact, you're not just appearing more engaged - you're actually helping your brain take in real social information (instead of living by the fears in your head). 

Skill 2: Use Your Surroundings 🌍

Once you can maintain eye contact, the next challenge is starting conversations. The easiest entry point? Your shared environment.

For Sammy, this meant commenting on the finicky triceps machine at his gym. These natural conversation starters feel less forced because they're grounded in what's actually happening around you – they help keep your spotlight pointed outward.

People are naturally drawn to what psychologists call the "mere exposure effect" - we tend to like things (and people) that feel familiar. When you're an unknown, pointing out what you have in common with someone helps bridge that gap. It's like showing them you're both playing the same game, which makes the interaction feel safer and more natural.

For example:

• "This machine can be tricky. Want some help?"
• [On Zoom Meeting] "I love your background setup. Where did you get that lamp?"
• "Looks like the professor is late again..."

The goal isn't to say something brilliant. It's to make contact with the real world around you using something you and the other person have in common.

Skill 3: Ask Open Questions 🗣️

Once a conversation starts, open questions keep it going by inviting others to share. 

These questions work on multiple levels - they reduce your cognitive load (less pressure to think of the "right" thing to say), while simultaneously activating more regions of the other person's brain than simple yes/no questions.

It's like opening up multiple lanes on the conversation track instead of forcing everyone into a single-file line.

Sammy practiced this in job interviews: Instead of just asking "How long have you worked here?" (closed question that leads to one specific answer), he'd ask "What's a typical day here like?" (open question that invites the other person to share as much as they feel comfortable with). This not only gave him valuable information about the company, it created conversational flow - that back-and-forth that makes interactions feel natural.

How it works:

• Instead of: "Do you like basketball?" → "What kind of stuff do you like to watch?"
• Instead of: "What's your favorite food?" → "What restaurants do you love around here?"
• Instead of “Do you have any hobbies?” → “What do you like to do on weekends?”

Skill 4: Practice "Yes, And..." 🎤

The final skill combines everything you've learned. "Yes, and" means acknowledging what someone says and adding something of your own – even if it's small. It's a foundational skill of improv and should be a main tool in your conversations.

Research from psychologist Irwin Altman shows that friendships develop through a specific formula: they start with small, trivial shares that gradually build trust, eventually leading to deeper conversations.

For Sammy, this was hardest because it meant trusting his responses didn't need to be perfect. But with practice, he discovered something unexpected: Quick, imperfect responses often create better connections than carefully crafted ones.

Examples:

• They say: "It's really windy today." You respond: "Yup, I wish I wore a thicker jacket." (a small, low-risk share)
• They say: "I just got back from a hiking trip." You respond: "Oh, and I've been wanting to get into hiking. Where did you go?" (showing interest while sharing a bit about yourself)
• They say: "Gosh, that lecture was boring." You respond: "I felt my attention drifting too. What kept you awake?" (sharing a common experience)

Recap 🔄

1. Nose Trick: Create the appearance of eye contact by looking near the eyes.
2. Use Your Surroundings: Comment on shared experiences in the moment.
3. Ask Open Questions: Invite others to share more than a yes/no answer.
4. Practice "Yes, And...": Add something small to what others share.

Try It Out ✨

Once you practice using these skills, you’re likely to run into these situations: 

• "I tried making eye contact but felt super weird."
• "I commented on something and they didn’t give me much."
• "My 'yes, and' was stupid."
• "It didn't lead to friendship."

Success isn't about feeling comfortable or making instant friends. It's about becoming more confident at using these skills, even when anxiety is present. Here's what Sammy said about this:

"At first, everything felt forced. But after a few months, I noticed even though I still got anxious, I wasn't waiting 45 seconds to respond anymore. The skills became like muscle memory. They gave me a way forward when anxiety hit."

This Week: Choose ONE skill to practice in low-pressure situations.

1. Set a Small Goal: Success means using the skill, not feeling perfect.
2. Predict: Write down what you’re afraid might happen. How sure are you, 0-100%, that your fear will come true?
3. Reflect: What actually happened when you practiced the skill? What did you learn from the experience?

If you're struggling to stay present while using these social skills, review Lesson 4 (View the Bigger Picture) and Lesson 5 (Emergency Skills) from my Braver with Anxiety course.

Some people won't be in the mood to talk. That's okay. Keep practicing. You’ll get more realistic results when you practice with more people (5-10 is a good range).

You're not aiming for first place in Mario Kart – you're learning to stay on the track even with ink on your screen.

In my next lesson, you'll learn how leaning into awkwardness is the fastest way to build social confidence.

Boldly go 🖖🏽 

Dr. Ali

P.S. What social skill would you like to learn more about? Reply and let me know. I’d love to hear from you!

Summary 📝

• Social skills are about shifting attention outward, not eliminating anxiety.
• Start with small steps in low-pressure situations.
• Practice builds confidence, even if anxiety remains.
• Connection happens through consistent practice, not perfect performance.

Dive Deeper 🤿

📺 YouTube: I talk about some related social skills in my How to listen like a therapist video.

📚Read: Eye contact becomes a more complex topic for neurodivergent individuals. Here's an insightful overview of how it works for those on the Autism Spectrum.

📺 YouTube: Andrew Vincent has a great TEDx talk on open ended questions.

📺 YouTube: A quick lesson from Tina Fey on "yes, and...".

📚Read: NPR has a great breakdown of how to apply improv lessons to your life.

👨🏽‍⚕️ If these self-help strategies aren't working, a mental health professional can provide individualized support. Check out my recommended resources to take your next step.

🔬 Research Behind This Lesson: 

• Lazarov, A., Abend, R., & Bar-Haim, Y. (2016). Social anxiety is related to increased dwell time on socially threatening faces. Journal of Affective Disorders, 193, 282–288. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2016.01.007
• Pujol, J., Harrison, B. J., Ortiz, H., Deus, J., Soriano-Mas, C., López-Solà, M., … Cardoner, N. (2009). Influence of the fusiform gyrus on amygdala response to emotional faces in the non-clinical range of social anxiety. Psychological Medicine, 39(7), 1177–1187. https://doi.org/10.1017/S003329170800500X
• Turner, S. M., Beidel, D. C., Cooley, M. R., & Woody, S. R. (1994). A multicomponent behavioral treatment for social phobia: Social effectiveness therapy. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 32(4), 381–390. https://doi.org/10.1016/0005-7967(94)90001-9
• Albano, A. M., & DiBartolo, P. M. (2007). Stand Up, Speak Out: Client Workbook. Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/med:psych/9780195308945.001.0001